Somehow my inner world is at battle again, I fight two states of being: apathy, just wanting a break, and love of life and wanting to be doing something! It’s great and problematic… Its a rift inside me that I do not like! But there is change, I feel it coming for me and sucking me in a whirlwind of stuff Activity makes me feel alive, but I am missing an important part… I am starting to feel like I am losing myself again!

I still feel trapped and I hear the chorus from Queen “I want to break free”. And then some stuff comes my way and I get something to do, stuff that I like.

I am sleepy right now…

Inedicibilis

I know that I am growing and that things are starting to change, I want change! It might be scary, might be uncomfortable but its better than hiding and doing nothing!

I WANT CHANGE, but sometimes it seems it’s not happening. It seems I really am still blocked in my shell and that isn’t acceptable!

I WANT TO GROW, not grow up, but become better…

But now I just want to run away from all that I should be doing… and then again I don’t wanna run…

I will, or will I, finish this.

This is about a project I am helping plan, and people are not giving me any feedback, it’s about wanting to run away from responsibility, It’s about ME, or is it about them… or about US.

I can do things ok, I can do things right… but I want them to tel me I ether am all on my own, and si I will finish the SHIT, or am I to keep waiting for them to start telling me something… when it’s 3 Weeks to the event we wanna create and we have no site, no partners, we talked to no one… I fucking hate this… I fucking hate you! Don’t worry… I hate myself too, but for now I hate you more!

I have my University crap to deal with… I have myself to deal with, and my flaws, my forgetfulness, and my fucked up life and house… and freaking point of view on everything! I have to deal with me laziness… my lack of care and love for myself… I have to deal with my health. I sometime want my life to myself… like INTO THE WILD – I’m going Alexander  on myself…

It’s just a dream… just a dream of escape, because I’m stuck, I just block myself here AND I AM ASKING IF I AM REALLY GROWING.

I just want to run away, to hide my head under ground, to die, to run… to actually live my life!

This is frustration, these are my thoughts now… my extremes. The proof that I am not an assertive person.

excuse my language and hope you enjoy this little excursion in my mind!

Inedicibilis out for now…

I want to recreate myself! I don’t care what I use, what I read… This is all about my inexpressible thoughts! The point of writing here is catharsis.

It is time for me to claim my inner Phoenix and burn down my old masks!

This is my resolution for now… see you soon

Inedicibilis out!